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nicole"navarro.just-2wenty-one.o4th april.aries.half-malaysian-chinese-half-filipino.turtles, rainbows, motorbikes, vanilla.14 piercings.inked.officially licensed to ride.my mood: 
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Wednesday, December 26, 2007, 1:19 AM
you want to know how i feel right..?
but you have to move on eventually..
that day when you said you wanted a chance to win me back..
whether i liked it or not..
i felt so sad..
because one, you'd be hurting yourself because i'll never change my mind..
and two, because i will hurt myself by having to turn you down time and again..
i've already said there's no use..
i really don't have those kind of feelings for you anymore..
the more you push the more i'll step back..
you ask why i don't give you any more chances..
but try to see it from my shoes..
i gave you so many chances before..
even when you were willing to throw away our r'ship over the stupidest of things..
i still gave it my all..
i put so much effort to make things work..
all the sacrifices i made without complaining..
only to not be appreciated and still have to face the wrath of your temper..
the times i felt i was losing myself cause i needed your permission to buy something or to do things to my own body like piercings..
why is it that i have to ask for your approval when it comes to things that only affects me..?
when you always got upset whenever i hung out with the only friends i had just because they were guys..
did you not trust me..? they were friends that you knew as well..
you knew from the start my best friends are mainly guys..
and your idea of spending time together..
you yourself defined it as as long as we are physically together.. the mental didn't matter..
you on your computer playing counter strike..
only turning back once every half an hour to an hour to look at me or speak 1 sentence and then you're back to the game..
once in a while is okay but not all the time..
when i'm not free to spend time with you, you're on the computer..
when i am you're still on the damn com..
you rather stay at your own place than mine most of the time because you want to play cs..
when we're out you want to go home earlier so that you can go home and game..
and you spend so much money on your bike..
hundreds and hundreds at one shot..
and sometimes i just want something small that's not too expensive..
and i have to tell you i want things cause you don't even bother to give me surprises at all..
you complain and say you don't have the money..
was it really too much to ask for..?
and you know how much it hurt every single time you went through your "cold phases"..?
when you completely ignored me..?
refused to answer my smses and calls..
never bothered to contact me at all just to find out how i was or what i was doing..?
when i was left all alone so helpless to worry and cry..
and you were even cold enough to say you never even cared/bothered/worried about what i did, where i went or how was i going during those periods..
i seriously could have gotten knocked down by a car or jumped off a building and you wouldn't give a damn..
how many times did i have to go through all of that..?
can you really blame me for giving up..?
for reaching my limit til i could take it no more..?
you remember what happened during that last fight..?
things were finally starting to settle down..
we managed to get through without fighting for a period of time..
and you fucking blew up just because of that misunderstanding..
a misunderstanding that was nobody's fault at all..
but no, YOU HAD TO MAKE IT MY FAULT..
it couldn't just have been a simple misunderstanding..
you know how much it hurt when you made it seem it was only important to come down to look for me if i needed company for lunch..
since you were already in the damn building couldn't you have just come up to spend time with me..?
is spending quality time with me such a waste of your time and effort..?
and gwc is so fucking near to your place.. would it kill you to wear a raincoat if it rained..?
even if you took your time to come over the most it would have taken 15minutes..
but according to you I MADE YOU SPEED AND RISK YOUR LIFE TO COME OVER HUH?
when i did no such thing since i was under the impression you weren't coming at all..
and ignoring me the next few days.. wow.. that was the BEST PART of the whole thing..
didn't even bother about our anniversary.. not even a msg..
so what if you mentioned it on your blog.. by the time you started writing up the post it was already 1+am the NEXT DAY..
just all your bloody ego that i HAVE to apologize to you first for MY MISTAKE before you'll bother about me..
what makes you think you can treat a person like that..?
to hurt that someone who supposedly means the most to you so much..
the times i tolerated having you throw your anger at me..
when i had to swallow my pride when you shouted at me in public..
you might think i'm being bitter..
but i have my reasons for being so..
by ending our relationship i thought i'd be happier because i wouldn't get hurt anymore..
but i'm still hurting now..
not because i still have feelings for you..
but because i feel so so so bad everytime i know how sad/upset you are..
i don't know why i do..
you didn't know how to treat me right..
i guess i feel guilty about hurting you and that i owe it to you to make sure you're alright..
i do still want to be friends with you..
i don't want to be cruel to you like others have done to me..
but you make it so hard sometimes..
i can't be too nice to you least i give you false hope..
but yet i can't stand being mean.. it's just not me..
i hate myself so much for hurting another person..
i appreciate everything from the past 2+years..
there were the fun and good moments..
but our train has run out of tracks..
it's hit a deadend, derailed and there's no turning back..
i know it takes times..
but you have to move on..
since i keep giving you reasons to get angry..
since i keep doing things you don't like..
i don't even know why you're still nice to me now after what i've done..
you're better off without me..
you'll find someone better than me..
lastly..
i'm sorry..
nicole<3
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